How to Navigate the Holidays
The holidays can trigger a range of emotions. . . joy, excitement, happiness AS WELL AS sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and depression. We all have an image of what they “should” look like. The boisterous yet loving family sitting around a table, opening presents, sharing stories, and support for each other. Playing games late into the evening by the fire, sitting together watching football on TV, or enjoying an activity outside.
Whatever “perfect” is for you, there’s a chance, probably a good chance, that reality won’t live up to it.
Maybe you’ve experienced a loss this past year - of a loved one, a relationship, or a job. Perhaps there’s been a change in your own health or of a family member, a painful transition that was unexpected leaving you alone or unable to be with family, friends, or loved ones. Maybe covid is preventing you from seeing them. Or, perhaps, you’ll be with your family, but long-standing dynamics from childhood bubble up and interfere with your ability to enjoy being together..
Whatever the reason, there might be a gap between what you want the holidays to look like, and your reality - triggering difficult emotions - maybe even pain, suffering, or discomfort.
Your holiday enjoyment lies in your ability to answer the question:
“HOW DO I DEAL WITH HARD EMOTIONS WHEN THEY ARISE?”
Dealing with Hard Emotions
“Happiness lies not in finding what is missing,
but in finding what is present.”
- Tara Brach
Tara Brach has developed a powerful and helpful process that she calls “RAIN” to help deal with difficult emotions. A trained therapist, she integrated spiritual teachings with current neuroscience to create this tool that can be transformative for people dealing with a range of emotional challenges. She teaches that if you use RAIN to recognize and accept what you’re feeling, you’ll have a good chance to find peace with whatever’s going on around you.
How to practice “RAIN”
1. Recognize what is happening.
This step sounds so simple, and yet is the hardest skill to develop. Noticing your emotional state takes practiced self-reflection and a grounded presence of mind.
2. Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
Don’t push the feeling away (it won’t leave even if you do. Emotions manifest one way or the other and when pushed aside, will re-emerge as another one or as stress in your body).
Instead, take a deep breath and whisper silently to yourself “I notice I’m feeling _____.”
3. Investigate with interest and care.
Be curious and ask yourself: “why am I feeling this way?” “Where am I feeling it in my body?” Ask these questions without self-judgment - as you might ask a child or a close friend.
4. Nurture with self-compassion.
Offer yourself compassion. So often we’re harder on ourselves than we are on others, yet deserve just as much compassion. If you’re finding it hard, imagine yourself as a young child. What words of compassion would you say to them?
Tara offers a free guided meditation introducing RAIN on her website. You’ll also find additional guided meditations, talks, workbooks, and other helpful resources. She also recently released a book (2020) that delves more deeply into the RAIN process: Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN.
Practice to create lasting change
Researchers often compare the way the brain works to a muscle - to create change, you must regularly “train” it. To truly benefit from RAIN and see lasting, measurable change in your well-being, you need to regularly practice the skills.
Imagine a muscle in your body - your arm muscle for example - and expecting it to become permanently stronger after reading an article about arm strengthening, or visiting a gym once or twice. The same applies to positively re-wiring your brain.
Take Two’s launched a new mini-course to help you start this positive training process through journaling and guided meditations: Manifest the Life You Want.
